Every day teaches us new things, or so I like to think.
Here is what I have learnt today.
1) Don’t overfeed your offspring Shreddies. Three bowls in a row produces terrible, and I mean terrible, sticky faecal matter, which is impossible to clean off bottoms and requires serious scrubbing work in the shower.
2) After cleaning off your 18 month old in the shower (after aforementioned poo), don’t make the classic mistake of thinking ‘they’ll be ok without a nappy on while I quickly put the dirty one in a nappy bag’. Should have known better. A few seconds, and one enormous wee later, I was faced with a puddle of lake-like proportions, a merry, only just freshly showered DB2 sitting in the middle of it, and a fairly mammoth cleaning task ahead of me.
3) Lesson three – when taking your child BACK to the shower, to hose them off a second time (this time for being coated in a generous smothering of urine), don’t then make the mistake of returning to the room, thinking ‘he’ll be fine without a nappy on, because he’s only just had a wee’ and trying to quickly soak up the wee on the rug. True to form, DB2 discovered a hidden fountain (quite literally) of fresh wee in his bladder, and let it gush forth once again, with gay abandon, this time over the carpet.
4) Don’t then utter the phrase ‘for f**k’s sake’, even if under your breath, in front of your offspring. He looked all of a sudden extraordinarily interested at what I was saying, and I saw him quite distinctly, forming his mouth in an ‘f’ shape. This would be particularly awful, given that I have already made this error, with the exact same phrase, with DB1, my eldest.
And a last lesson:
5) It is actually possible for Justin Fletcher (see photo below) to send you over the edge.
I returned downstairs with Mr. ‘excessive faeces and urine’ DB2, only to hear sodding Justin Fletcher’s quite frankly downright infuriating voice on the tv. In my anguish at knowing that I would have to ensure his patronising faux-laughter, ridiculously unfunny ‘gags’ and silly noises, it only took one familiar phrase of ‘Let’s sign…playground!’ to send me completely over the edge.
Now, Mr Fletcher, I am not holding you personally responsible for this breakdown. After all, the event was preceded by some fairly trying toilet habits from my youngest. However, I do hold you partially responsible, simply by virtue of your capacity to be so incredibly irritating. Please, please, please, on behalf of parents everywhere, please stop. Please.
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Thank you, kind folks.